07-24-2023

OKAY Listen I'm starting therapy next month. Again for the first time since I was like 16. I don't want to end up killing myself. I'm pretty passively suicidal at the moment like if I died right now it would be okay. And sometimes I feel like I have an expiration date printed somewhere on me and I was supposed to be dead by now. But I do not have any plans to hurt myself. I want to get help so I am actively doing it. It's hard to do as an adult without insurance but I will be paying for it with my very low paying library job. Also, please don't tell anyone if you're reading this but I switched my major from computer science to general studies. I can't do computer science anymore. I don't want to tell anyone and I won't because I have shame about it. I sent the email to my community poor people clinic today so they will see my paystub amounts and hopefully get me help for very cheap like $20 a session. God get me some medication again. I think I have festered for a very long time. Also I have no appetite and I cannot eat anymore the only time I eat is when bf forces me to eat and that alone makes me feel awful. Like he shouldn't have to force me to eat and I'm a bad girlfriend. Anyways, let's see how therapy goes and when I get a reply. I have been in the worst depressive episode of my recent life in a long time. Don't care if that grammar was wrong.

04-20-2023

It's only a coincidence that I posted my blog on the same day of the month. I haven't been feeling well enough to write up anything, my dog died and I'm tired. I started a new job in the library, I really like it. Look what I made. He lives in my work drawer now. I can unmask at work and it feels pretty good. Slowly but steadily, shift by shift, I will grow Toro's kingdom. I will build him a world inside my desk, and nobody will know. Updates: I got a job. I had to drop my calculus class anyways. My dog died. I'm burnt out.

03-20-2023

I don’t want to hurt myself ever again but my mind goes to it at the first sign of distress. People care about me so I don’t want to. I wish my parents loved me more than they loved alcohol and crack. I miss my family, I feel like a freak. It’s hard to try to be a better person when people are so mean and manipulative and abusive. I don’t want to be better than them because it’s harder and it’s easier to be a bad person but for some reason I keep trying. It’s hard to avoid substances when I’m so traumatized. I drank some alcohol the other night, not enough to be considered drunk but enough to feel buzzed and happier. And I think my mind was pretty quiet then and I had a warm feeling in me from it. I work hard, I do normal things and I try to cope in healthy ways like typing on a blog and doing martial arts. I wish I was worth enough to them to get clean. I thought I was worth something. I’m glad I don’t have to watch them beat the shit out of each other anymore, I don’t think I’ll ever be normal. And my head hurts. I chase everything and I want my mom and dad.

02-22-2023

I was feeling a little isolated and so lonely for a while, especially after I started failing my Calculus class miserably and not knowing anyone in that class. By the grace of the gods, while learning about derivatives my professor had us draw cards to get assigned to groups and go outside and work on a project together. So to keep all the boring math stuff out of it one of my classmates actually reached out and introduced himself to me. I don’t have the social bravery to introduce myself so starkly to someone like that but I really appreciate the ones who do. So my classmate introduced himself and I was able to become acquaintances with my group. I was happy to be able to socialize with some people finally, and they’re also very smart and know more of what’s going in the class too.

So, AGAINST ALL ODDS AND AGAINST MY HARDWIRED PERSONALITY I went home that day and emailed Gabriel asking if him and his friends had a study group outside of class. We exchanged numbers and they did not have a study group outside of class but we were able to form one literally the next day before class. I woke up late and arrived late and all four of them were already there and had a chair pulled up for me and greeted me when I entered the student lounge. My god they’re so nice! I was really happy I stepped out of my comfort zone. We spent maybe 60%-70% of the time talking and a small amount studying but it was a lot of fun. One of girls even suggested we meet up again next week at a local drink shop. It’s very promising! I went on to take my quiz today and did I ever get to a completed answer? No I didn’t. I definitely failed it. But I did more work and got closer than I would have if I didn’t study. One of the girls even lives in my neighborhood and she said we can carpool to our next get together :).

02-04-2023

Something about college makes me feel a loss of control. I guess after my driving test I've been having a lot of test anxiety and I feel insane when I'm sitting in class shaking and trying not to cry when I'm taking quizzes or exams. Everyone's fast scratching on the paper sounds 10x louder than it should and I just stare down at my hand holding my pencil. I don't know what to do about it. I've been studying for a long time and outside of class but when I get to take my tests everything falls out of my head. So I feel like I'm losing touch. The semesters only started but both quizzes I've taken so far I've failed and my overall grade is a 71. I'm praying I don't have to drop this class. I'm going to go to in person tutoring next week when they're open. AGGHHH!!!!!

Anyways.. on a different note! I've made some online friends. More than I could have imagined in my lifetime! I'm never the person to unmute because people's words stick with me more than they should. My friends I've made are awesome. I don't really vocalize how much it means to me to be in a nice discord server with tons of kind people and people who go "CRAB!!!" when I get into voice chat with them. And people who value me and like to be around me. I'm almost always a very lonely person but at the same time a loner. But I've been less lonely lately. They mean a lot to me! I woke up a few days ago from a message from my friend Val saying that I was in her dream! She lives in the same state as me and in her dream she came down to hang out with me and she said we went GHOST HUNTING. I was really thinking, I matter that much to them? It means a lot and I'm honored to have such great people around me. I don't think I tell them how much they mean to me but that's because I don't want to seem overbearing. But I love them very much :) I'm hoping to make some irl friends too, eventually. I forgot such great people exist in this world, they're all gems. Even if one day we fade, I don't think I'll ever forget them even though it's been only a few months knowing them.

01-24-2023

Tik tok was really helpful to me in many ways at first. I loved it very much. Too much but that's the whole point of it right? Love it so much you can never get off? At risk of sounding elitist or boomer, it became so horrible for me. In full transparency, when I woke up every morning I'd scroll before I got out of bed. I'd scroll when I brushed my teeth and when I ate my food. I have always been a person who loved the pursuit of knowledge. I read alot of books (did you know when I was a kid I read every single one of these books from my elementary school library!) and researched everything I could about everything I learned about. That's when my love of UFOs, cryptids and creatures started.. And I learned a lot of other things from tik tok. Life hacks, air fryer recipes, and all those silly things. Things I realize I didn't need to know: Gruesome facts and unseen videos from 9/11, a person and their life long knitting project, do this with your life. Major in this! Break into this hot new money making scene now! It's the little things that build up, you know? I can scroll past at first. The algorithm is intelligent but sometimes it misses (if I got those reddit TTS story reading videos with fucking minecraft or subway surfers in the back I click the don't show things like this button immediately). But those things start to stick with you. Little by little! I believe I grew more anxious from tik tok. Not at first, I think the immediate reaction to opening the tik tok app is getting my hit. Addiction for sure. I know it prays on that, I know it's whole model is based on that. But I'm it's target audience, and it knows me so well! I had fun. It made me laugh in one video and cry in the next one, 20 seconds later. Something is seriously wrong with that though.

But the problem that pushed me to delete it came later. I'm only a young woman, and I installed tik tok as a teenager. Not a good idea. I was shown very very pretty girls. Girls I was never supposed to see in my whole lifetime. I was exposed to edited bodies, insane angles, just insanely beautiful girls! They were amazing. But my god does that change a persons view of themselves. I never saw myself as that ugly of a person, but I could never be the kind of person who goes viral for lip syncing. I don't think there's a problem with that, I liked that content. But I don't know if there's ever an age where a girl truly grows out of her 13 year old self. It's hard being a woman, and tik tok beauty standards are an insane thing. They never should have existed. Beauty standards in my opinion are natural. They're seen in animals too. But listen!! I was NEVER meant to see so many beautiful people in one day, in one hour. I was supposed to be one of the prettiest girls in my clan and gather berries and take care of the children. After a while I caught myself doomscrolling on these peoples profiles, wishing I was them. A little immature and embarrassing, but that's what this blog is for right? I was exposed to a lot doing that. Edited bodies, body checking and pro-ana posting. And I somehow never left tik tok feeling better than how I felt going in. I felt inferior, ugly, and mid as fuck! For being a regular girl. I don't think anyone should feel that way. Anyways, after I realized that my self esteem was suffering from these visits to tik tok I thought it was about time to make a big change. My god do I get bored a lot more but I feel prettier. In real life I never see the girls I see online. I know these insanely beautiful girls exist, they're out there. But they're so concentrated on tik tok and so spread in real life my perception was skewed on what the average person looked like, or was supposed to look like. So I deleted my tik tok app! I loved the many different forms of content I got like the cute recipe tik toks and the art tik toks I got. They were all great. But I couldn't "don't show me videos like this again" enough! THEY SPAWN LIKE CRAZY. They were great, show stopping, nothing against them. But it was bad for me. Also, don't expect these blog posts to be polished or even proof read. This is my little diary.

01-15-2023

Man, my first blog post. I guess my first post should definitely be about my site. Why did I make this site? To be honest it's been around for a while! When I first made it I was younger and I didn't have any coding knowledge, and at that I also didn't have much determination or passions! I'm 22 now and I feel like I've been around enough now. I know what I like, I know what I want to share with you all. Speaking, after this I'll put a view counter on the landing page. Besides being a blog spot I'll be using this to come back and reread too to see how things were then. Right now I'm unemployed and living with Love. I applied at three different jobs I have my sights set on and more that I can't remember (actually I can but I'd rather forget). I have college starting on the 16th or 17th I can't remember. I got my classes all done and my FAFSA in order which is a big weight off my back. Also, I'M GOING TO BE A BRAZILIAN JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR AT THE COLLEGE. That's really nerve wracking and exciting for me though. Though over the past few months or year even I'd say I've grown and changed more than ever. I broke up with all my friends over my boundaries and it stuck with me for a long time, I even questioned if I had made a mistake. But I know I didn't make a mistake. Though it's hard I'm becoming the person I'm meant to be. It's been really lonely, especially with my fish dying a couple weeks ago I get lonely at night. It helps to have outlets like this site and jiu jitsu. I meant to say more on that, so basically after Love and I joined the club we discovered a lot of love for it. Before we joined it didn't have many members, maybe 4 tops. The fucking president never showed too! It was kind of funny.. but annoying. I wanted to see the club succeed. We ended up participating in a bunch of events representing our club and they were way out of my comfort zone. Things like an ice cream social (I had to be very forward and attract people to our table..) and live demos where strangers were watching us roll (；⌣̀_⌣́). But, because of these things our club got so many members! My favorite thing is seeing people laugh when a woman like me rolls them over easily or even when they roll me! For some reason it always makes people laugh. This semester due to us having so many members our first club meeting day will be on Mondays with our true instructor, and Wednesdays are the second classes being held by Love and I! I'm nervous for it, but I usually just think, "you passed your driving test on the first try, you can do this easy!"